I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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