Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
