is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
