a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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