Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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