I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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