I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
two words: eviction party
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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