I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
