I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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