I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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