It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
