i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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