It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
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I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
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We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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