I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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