I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
