I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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