I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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