When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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