i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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