God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Success! We fucked roommates!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
