Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
