He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
