Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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