You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
