3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
