He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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