He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
