Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
