My boss' voice literally gives me gas
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
