woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
