So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
