she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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