Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
