had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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