First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
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