i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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