Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
