you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
