i just sent this text using only my big toe
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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