So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
