If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
