I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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