they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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