good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
