woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
