shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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