im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
