Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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