Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
