Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.