drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
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Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
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She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.