ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
