i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
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He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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