Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
