he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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