Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
