we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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